|
| When Christmas trees start humming, you know the lyrics need a closer look |
Christmas carols (click to listen) are beloved traditions, but when examined closely, some of them raise eyebrows. Below is a tongue-in-cheek critique of several classics, treating them with the same seriousness one might reserve for theological or literary analysis.
Proceeding with the carolological case studies of a curated selection of Christmas songs in need of lyrical litigation. [1]
The man’s persistence borders on harassment. “No” is treated as negotiable, and the weather becomes a manipulative excuse. A chilling reminder that snow should not be weaponized against consent.
🎀 “Blue Christmas”
The singer hijacks the season, making it about their personal heartbreak rather than the Incarnation. Christmas becomes a therapy session instead of a celebration of Bethlehem.
🎄 “Do You Hear What I Hear”
Meteorological impossibilities abound: the wind does not speak. While Balaam’s donkey is biblical precedent for talking animals, the nativity accounts are notably silent on lambs delivering prophetic messages.
🎀 “We Wish You a Merry Christmas”
The carolists are essentially trespassers demanding figgy pudding. Verse three escalates into ransom territory: “We won’t go until we get some.” A hostage situation disguised as holiday cheer.
🔮 “Santa Baby”
A masterclass in greed and commercialization. The singer’s wish list includes yachts and platinum mines, reducing Christmas to a corporate transaction with Santa as sugar daddy.
🍬 “The Twelve Days of Christmas”
A logistical nightmare. Who needs 23 birds, 50 people, and 12 drummers in their living room? The song is less about romance and more about reckless consumerism and noise pollution.
🎀 “Deck the Halls”
The command to “don we now our gay apparel” raises questions: is this a mandatory dress code? The song is less about joy and more about sartorial conformity.
🎄 “Jingle Bells”
A song about reckless driving. One-horse open sleighs are essentially unregulated vehicles, and the lyrics glorify speeding through snow without concern for safety or pedestrians.
A cautionary tale of idolatry. Children worship a snow idol brought to life by a magic hat, only to watch him melt away. Pagan snow rituals disguised as holiday fun.
🔮 “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”
A story of workplace bullying. Rudolph is ostracized until his deformity becomes useful to management. Only then is he accepted. A critique of conditional inclusion and exploitative leadership.
🍬 “O Christmas Tree”
The tree is praised for its “leaves so unchanging,” ignoring the fact that it was chopped down and is now dying in someone’s living room. A hymn to ecological destruction.
🎀 “Silent Night”
The song insists the night was silent, yet Scripture records angels proclaiming loudly to shepherds. A theological contradiction masquerading as lullaby.
🎹 “Linus and Lucy” (Charlie Brown Christmas Song) 👉 Hear it here — the most famous unsung Christmas tune.
- Schroeder pounds out jazzy riffs while the Peanuts gang dances, yet no one even attempts to sing. A “Christmas song” with zero lyrics, proving that humming alone can canonize a holiday classic.
[1] See: Journal of Seasonal Absurdities, Vol. XII, “Yuletide Jurisprudence and the Carol Clause.”
Filed under: Clause Law, Subsection 12B — Melodic Misconduct.
By the way: Yes, I love Christmas. No, I don’t hate carols. I just litigate them.
Merry Christmas!
No comments:
Post a Comment